Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
