she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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