I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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