Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
