every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
