I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
