that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
