the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize