...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
