my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
