Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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