well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
