summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
