why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
