Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
