FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
