There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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