i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
