Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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