I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
