I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
