I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
