Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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