I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
