we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just puked most of my soul out..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
