Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
