I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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