So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Randomize
