How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
