Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
