I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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