She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
