She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
