I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize