So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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