I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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