I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
