Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
