My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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