Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
