Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
