the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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