I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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