I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
