My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
