I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize