Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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