My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This house was built for laser tag.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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