when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
