she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
