my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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