apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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