So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My penis needs a shock collar
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
