Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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