Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
