You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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