you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
