My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
