im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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