I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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