i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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