Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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