i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
