is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
